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Mar
28
I wrote the op-ed below (after the jump) four years ago. When I think about the piece, without looking at it, I think of it as my exegesis on women and work. Because when I wrote it, I was juggling, juggling, juggling a serious part-time freelance writing career with being a mother to three school-aged kids.
And yet, then, and now, when people ask me if I work, I think they think that I should know that they are asking about outside the home work. And yet, I still say to them, “Do you mean outside the home?” because to me, everything I do inside the home? It is work. Might love it, might hate it, might have no choice but to do it, might get someone else to do it once in a while, but it is still work.
But still, here we are, in nearly the second decade of the 21st century, and we’re not all meaning the same thing when we say “work.”
I’ve got it easy – maybe some days, most days even, I don’t even know how good I’ve got it, even though I speak about figuring out how to make sure I use my privileges in this life to help those who don’t have them.
But the fact that general conversation about “work” still fails to include, on a regular, broad-based basis, any of the activities I do inside my home on behalf of my family or my kids just seems like a fact that needs to be updated.
The op-ed (after the jump) became newly relevant after Sarah Palin entered the 2008 presidential race.
To continue the discussion about this topic with a prime group of thinkers from across the globe, generations and demographics, please join me at the blog carnival twittercast tomorrow night.
There’s no shortage of documentation about how mothers feel crushed between simultaneous responsibilities. Earlier this year, Newsweek published a cover story based on Judith Warner’s book, “Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety,” which explores women’s feelings when their career woman role collides with being a mother. A New York Times piece, called “Mommy (and me),” detailed the explosion in online chronicles of parents’ angst. And a new industry — parent coaching — seeks to capitalize on the critical mass of worry.
Unfortunately, this type of sympathy perpetuates the very assumption we need to attack: that integrating motherhood into our lives can and should be performed perfectly, without anxiety and in harmony with all other desires. I say this as a mother whose family would nominate her to be the poster child for Warner’s book faster than she could speed dial the pediatrician.
We need to refocus the debate and affirm a mother’s efforts without applying a win-lose analysis to them. We need to stop pandering to the belief that a mother can function perfectly if only she watches enough episodes of “Supernanny,” digests enough parenting manuals and increases the memory in her PalmPilot.
Take me, for example.
By the time I turned 30, I’d earned two graduate degrees, gotten married and was pregnant with my first child. Over the course of eight years, I took three maternity leaves and worked a variety of schedules at a large, mental-health agency. For the last three years, I’ve worked 10 to 15 hours weekly from home. I circumnavigate the same six streets up to nine times a day as I take my kids to and from school, dance, art, friends’ homes and birthday parties. I volunteer in the schools and attend a variety of monthly meetings in the evenings.
What’s not perfect?
Well, I’ve had multiple fender benders, locked my kids in the car and locked all of us out of the car (both inadvertently), blown three tires in four months by driving over a stroller, a bungee cord and a curb (I was late to the carpool pickup line), mailed thank you cards two months after receiving the present and, this year, I sunk to a new low: preschool guests at my son’s birthday party received candy-filled Chuck E. Cheese goody bags because I was too lazy to scour stores for politically correct items like puzzles or inexpensive books.
Heck, I’ve consumed three brownies in five minutes just exposing these flaws.
And still, I don’t view myself as a slacker (loser) mom or a super (winner) mom.
Why not? Because no matter how many trips I take to the body shop or how many gallons of gas my car guzzles, my situation isn’t tough, or even undesirable. I’m lucky, and my kids are lucky, too.
I’m not single, unemployed, financially poor, in my teens, or physically or mentally disabled, and none of my kids require assistance beyond my means or abilities. To rant about my life as difficult, when thousands of mothers who bear the burden of these special circumstances live within miles of me, would be insensitive and insulting, to say the least.
I’ve also always expected that motherhood would demand that I drop a ball or two in order to catch others, no matter how big or heavy they got.
Where did I get this idea?
From my own mother, who married at 19, had three kids by 26 and viewed millions of fruit flies as a lab researcher. Her intellectual passion occasionally kindled embers of ambition, like when she studied at night to take the law school entrance exam. But my father’s home business consumed her talents, the family needed her job’s health benefits and her law school plans flamed out. Yet, at 66 years old, she still rejects the label of martyr.
When beliefs about how mothers should fulfill numerous roles clash with reality, we need to correct those beliefs. We must not settle for merely educating others — through our complaints — about the pain or impossibility of role integration. Rather than cater to the unattainable and destructive goal of perfection, we need to change it. Through our actions and our words, we must model a balanced and achievable image of motherhood.
How else will our children learn to value it?
Zimon is a contributing editor and columnist for Cleveland Family magazine.
By Jill Miller Zimon at 9:51 pm March 28th, 2009 in Blogging, Economy, Gender, leadership, Media, Parenting, Politics, Sexism, Social Issues, Women
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12 Responses to “Does being a mother qualify as “work”?”
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Shalom Jill,
The questions: what do you do? how are you? and do you work? all have once thing in common: they are all meaningless questions we ask reflexively because we have lost, or more likely never learned, what it means to engage in a conversation where we listen, process and respond to the other person.
What we do when we ask such questions is quickly ascertain relative social status so that we know to either subordinate, defer to or ignore the other person.
A more hones question would be: are you anyone important or someone who can further my personal agenda? Because that would be blatant, we hide our intents behind pseudo social skills.
And then there’s Lynn Johnston…
B’shalom,
Jeff
Very interesting, Jeff – I read your comment as also suggesting that we rehabituate ourselves to asking that first set of questions only of those people we really want to hear from/listen to/know about. Everyone else? Cut to the chase, more or less? I think some societies do do it that way. Definitely something to think about.
And I LOVE For Better or Worse – always, always have. I was reading her long before there was a Mr. Miller Zimon.
I remember an answer to the question ( sorry can’t remember by whom)
What do you do? –
answer I am raising the future President of the United States
Does being a mother qualify as work…. .yeah and it is the hardest job of work I have ever had but the in house benefits far outweigh any bankers bonus…… just try doing without a mother…. and the job of work has no retirement just ask my 90 year old mum!
Kudos to you for your response to the question, “What do you do for work?” Of course being a parent is work – real work, hard work! Unfortunately, our culture has imposed certain expectations on parenting, especially for women – assuming it to be a very natural and easy pastime for us to perfect. When the roles are reversed, does a stay-at –home dad get more or less recognition and pressure to be perfect? I agree that our culture still places unwarranted strain on moms to achieve balance between work and home. In my opinion, there IS no prefect balance that maintains itself in parenting and life! A living system is always evolving, shifting and changing so adjustments need to be made on a regular basis. The job of parenting fluctuates daily and maintaining some type of equilibrium is an ongoing challenge. To expect perfect and constant balance on this fulcrum point is a very ambitious yet unrealistic goal. That is why I see my job as parent coach very important – working with parents to disregard the standards set by society and find what works best for them and their unique family situation. Helping parents find their own functional family rhythm without imposing judgment not only validates their uniqueness but builds confidence in their ability to parent at “their” best AND minimizes parents’ angst.
Loraine – I love your point about just imagine doing without a mother – even Macauley Culkin got lonely in Home Alone after a while.
Connie – thanks for reading and commenting – I agree w/pretty much all that you wrote and this in particular resonates for me:
“Helping parents find their own functional family rhythm without imposing judgment not only validates their uniqueness but builds confidence in their ability to parent at “their” best AND minimizes parents’ angst.”
Shalom Jill,
There used to be rule of introductions that went something like this: younger are presented to older, socially inferior are presented to socially superior, and, I believe, men are presented to women.
By the mere act of introduction, we learn a great deal and then able to engage in the well-practiced art of conversation.
I remember some instruction in 7th or 8th grade where we were taught how to make polite conversation with the opposite sex.
Now we tweet.
B’shalom,
Jeff
p.s. i make small notice of this comment by ta-nehisi coates.
“”Helping parents find their own functional family rhythm”
and you know what is even harder…. I have found finding the “family rythm” when you are also still a mum and now a “mother in law” errrrggggg…..
It is hard enough when it is your daughter and finding your rythm and “place” in her life with her new husband….but finding the rythm and place when it is your son and new daughter in law double errrrg…. especially for me as my son is ill ( and my daughter in law is now the next of kin and “decision maker”)
BUT a mothers “eyes” still see what others miss and knowing when to assert and when to back off is so hard because inside you want to take control but you have to step back and not go head on like you normally would …….so many factors…. well I am going to my mum’s for a roast beef sunday dinner and some “babying”
Loraine
ROFL Jeff Hess – re: now we tweet! omg lol and you don’t mean whistling Dixie
Loraine – there are just so many phases of being a mom – it changes over and over, doesn’t it? Like a new job description or restructuring every x number of years, hm? Definitely.
most households cannot afford to hire a housekeeper and a nanny….
Hi Ryan – I’m not familiar with stats/studies/reports about that, but I’ve always been fascinated with how that concept of “afford to hire” varies from culture to culture – meaning, in countries other than the U.S., domestic help is a given – Singapore and Mexico I’ve read are such countries. I am only guessing, but I would assume this has to do with the standard of living and the expectations of those who do the work and those who pay to have it done.
Thanks for commenting – definitely something worth more investigation.